Sunday 25 August 2013

Vacant Lot

I've been wanting to do a new post for a while and several ideas have been rattling around in the vacant lot between my ears. So if you're sitting comfortably I will begin!

A while ago someone was wondering whether or not to do a blog about their journey with depression and  I absolutely think they should. Writing a blog and getting your thoughts out can be therapeutic. It can help family and friends understand a bit more how you're feeling and what you're battling. I also think that if it helps people understand themselves a bit more you've done a good job.

Then I started to think that actually cancer, depression and other illnesses have similarities. For a start in the majority of cases they're invisible! How many times do people say " You're looking well" when inside you're screaming "but I don't feel it"! Many of us that have had or are battling cancer may well have a run in with depression. Then there's the end of treatment 'syndrome', you've had scans,surgery,chemo,medication and then what??

Which brings me to the next rambling an article I read about the lack of care for cancer patients when treatment has ended. For many sadly there is nowhere to go,there is no end solution. For those of us who are clear whether its months,years or being told you're in remission you're expected to go back to your pre-cancer normal life! That doesn't work though does it? What is a normal life? I'm two years clear this week and being scanned every 6 months so for me it's living scan to scan. That's not pre-cancer normal. Not being able to do stuff I used to do isn't where I was before surgery and chemo!

Which leads me to another topic and loss caused by cancer! Tragically people are losing their lives to this awful disease regularly. Loved ones,family and friends gone. What else do we lose? Sanity! Dignity? Friends? Independence? Sometimes the will to keep battling? Which leads back to where do we go at the end of treatment?
I was lucky to go on a survivorship course and it helped a lot.
However recently I've started to doubt myself again, I've been having a lot of down days. Family may not have noticed because I've thrown myself into sorting my craft room,which in turn actually hasn't helped as I'm struggling physically to do it!
I feel guilty as well because I know others,friends are going through so much more. They're enduring surgeries and chemo and I am so scared that it could be me again. Then I get angry with myself
which starts the whole turmoil off.

So there you are a confusing look into the vacant lot between my ears!!