Social media here I come

Well hello long time no chat!

Yesterday I had lunch with Ann and Rachel and it made me realise hoe much I'd missed interaction with other people. It's strange that you can be really lonely surrounded by family and people in general.

I came off social media because too much bad,sad news was upsetting me but at the same time I've missed my Twitter buddies and Facebook friends. Okay I have plodded through FB liked the occasional picture or status and updated my status with photos. It's the support and friendship of people that I might have met or just connected with on social media that amazes me. The fact that many of us have met through having a common denominator Bowel Cancer is both sad and yet  uplifting! This morning I went back onto Twitter, the only way to defeat demons is face them head on!

There is a downside to spending a lovely afternoon with friends. . . .going home and back to reality! To be honest I don't feel like I go home more going back to the house I live in. Having mother in law living with us is more difficult than expected.

The last month or so has been difficult, as well as MIL driving me mad my eldest daughter Nikki had a bleed on the brain the beginning of last month. Since then she's been back to A&E a couple of times. Still having headaches and problems with her left leg and the left side of her face.She has an MRI booked for Dec 3rd so hopefully we will have more answers then. I've found it difficult dealing with it, bought back memories the fear for one. Also it made me realise how my family must have felt when I had mine. At one point a couple of weeks ago we had Nikki and MIL in the same ward! Mother had a funny turn at 2.30am luckily Colin heard her and managed to catch her before she hit the floor. However she did cut the back of her calf and needed 16 stitches!

Colin had to have surgery no 4 on his wrist the end of August but it's not healing properly so sometime over the next few weeks he will be having op no 5. So if I disappear from social media again it will be a temporary break while I become, yet again, chief cook, washer upper, dog walker and taxi driver!!

As for me nothing really to report except a letter from my CNS telling me that I will be having a CT in the new year another the end of next year and that's that! I'm not sure how I feel about it, relief fear I really don't know!

So I look forward to becoming part of the wonderful world of social media again.

Big hugs my friends xx

A taste of my own medicine!

Hmm I think we're all probably guilty of dishing out advice to family and friends BUT don't actually follow that advice ourselves!

I wake up some mornings not wanting to get up and face what's happening. What would I say to someone feeling like that? "Think about how lucky you are to be alive,to have a roof over your head" So why don't I listen to myself! I should be grateful that I'm a survivor, that it's over nine years since cancer came into my life and that the last time it came back was four years ago. Of course I'm grateful to be one of the lucky ones. I hate hearing of friends bad news.

I can hear a special friend that is no longer with us telling me to brush myself down and put my happy head on. I would if I could find it, think it's buried somewhere in my craft room.

The thing is a situation at home is sending me back down into the abyss of depression. I can see no way out of it. I feel trapped again. I'm not going into details,it wouldn't be fair on the person concerned. A few of you know what's happening and I want to thank you for your kind words and hugs!

I haven't had any enthusiasm to join in chats on Twitter or Facebook. I miss my daily weather chat

I DONT want people to feel sorry for myself. Which is partly why I haven't been on social media. The point is depression creeps up on you and before you know it you're unable to shake it of.

At my last counselling session I finally realised that cancer has a lot to do with my feelings. That big word IF popped up. IF I hadn't had cancer I would be at work. IF I hadn't had cancer I could get out and about more without getting breathless, without being in pain. I wouldn't have needed the surgeries or chemo. Then again if I hadn't had cancer I wouldn't have met some wonderful people!

The reason I'm writing this is to show people it's good to talk about how you're feeling. Depression is an invisible illness. Don't be afraid to talk to a doctor or nurse if you're struggling. Family and friends don't always understand how when you're cancer free you stilll struggle.

Thank goodness I have my knitting group to go to every Sunday evening!

I'm off to look for my happy head now!